I’m tired of being lectured. I know that I should spend more time at home, but I just feel like I’m wasting time here when I could be exploring the world and meeting new people. Its frustrating when I feel like what I do is not enough. I know it’ll never be enough, but its not that I don’t try. I hope one day you’ll forgive me.

Breakfast, grocery shopping, watching the Spurs vs. Grizzlies, decorating the bedroom with photos, dinner with the best cousins, learning how to longboard, watching the Billboard awards, attempting to rap with an 11-year-old and embarrassing the older kids, and now cleaning my room. 

Life has been a tad bit hectic and I’ve been somewhat avoiding the thinking process, so it’s been a while since I’ve really blogged. Here goes. 
As I was dusting the cobwebs from the piles of paper that have been laying around my room just from this semester, I realized how quickly things are left in the dust. I dusted off a couple cards from friends and it just made me smile and feel incredibly lucky to be surrounded by such wonderful people. I wouldn’t be the person I am without the people that have remained in my life all this time and for the people that have temporarily walked through as well. 

When I open my email on my phone, it goes straight to the sent folder for some odd reason, and sometimes I see that name that still now has not settled quite right with me. There are many times that I want to open the email and read it or delete it, but as I was cleaning my room, a piece of paper from our road trip fell into my lap and this once, I smiled cause it reminded me of one of the nice days we shared together. It’s easy to feel resentment for what happened, easy to blame someone else, and easy to be angry about what happened. But it’s much harder to forgive without an apology and let go. So I’m hoping that just this once, I’ll be able to. 

I keep on making excuses, attempting to be strong and hoping to convince others as well as myself that I’m no longer hurt. But I want to get to a place where I’m not afraid of hearing your name. 

—

There isn’t anything special about this guy and I can’t tell if he is even slightly interested, well asides from his smile, awesome hugs, and contagious laugh…but the thought of being with someone again, as much as it scares the living shit out of me to start really liking someone, just seems like a nice thought. 

As rough as life gets, I hope I don’t lose that part of me that still clings to being a hopeless romantic.